mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
