Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he was CRYING into my vagina
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
