I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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