I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you will always have a special place in my vag
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
