Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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