So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
