I think I won the penis lottery.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
