Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
