There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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