you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
