I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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