Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
