she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
