she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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