You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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