Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I smell stomach acid.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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