A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
