Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
