you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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