grandma shit on top of the toilet
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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