I just pynch a tree in the face
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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