i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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