we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
