shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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