I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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