Can i not drive my cunt home
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
