hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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