it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
