Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
