i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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