If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
