My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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