i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
