he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
