Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
