apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
