and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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