If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
