i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
