someone threw a dead crab at me
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
