i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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