i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
