I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
