my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The uberlube is also flammable
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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