No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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