she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
