Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
