btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
