you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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