Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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