After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
