I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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