then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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