Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
